The Boy with the Thorn in His Side
I’ve had anxiety disorder since I was a child, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that anxiety has a weird way of making the most insane ideas seem reasonable. It first starts off with the tiniest little what if. Then you wonder if that what if has some bit of truth to it, and you start debating it in your head. The next thing you know this tiny little what if turns into a maybe. So you think about it more, and the more you think about it, the bigger it grows. Before you know it, this thought has now become a huge monster chasing you, and you’re trapped in a corner. You can feel its hot breath in your face as it prepares to swallow you whole.
So even though the source of the anxiety was completely silly, the anxiety itself was far from it. I woke up nearly every morning shivering and throwing up. My muscles were tense. I constantly had to use the restroom. Nothing could relax me or soothe me. It didn’t matter that I had a great girlfriend, or that I just started a great full-time job, or whatever other blessings I had. At any second it could all be over, regardless of what was going on with my life. Maybe I was being selfish, but it seemed that God enjoyed watching me agonize over my mortality.
When will this struggle be over? I had been dealing with mental illness for most of my life now, and I was getting sick of it. There was nothing else I wanted more than to just wake up one day and no longer have another anxiety attack. Ever! The Gospels report that Jesus once drove demons out of a man who hid in caves and cut himself with rocks. I thought all my demons were supposed to be gone.
And then it hit me: this is exactly like the thorn in Paul’s flesh!
I can’t imagine how my weakness and hang-ups can possibly give glory to God. When people look at me, I want them to see a strong man, a man whose life has been changed by God. More often, however, people see my failures and moments of weakness when I let the negative thoughts drag me down. What kind of testimony is that supposed to give?
Or maybe that’s exactly the kind of testimony I’m supposed to give.
For years I’ve denied having a thorn in my side. Not only do I acknowledge it now, but I also know how to care for it when I feel the slightest sting. Throughout the summer of 2006 I begged God every night to remove my thorn. But now I know that it serves a purpose here on earth, and when I get to Heaven I’ll feel the joy of no longer having it in my flesh.
人生的苦是必然的，只是這荊棘是芒刺還是冠冕，卻是我們可以為自己作的選擇。這選擇就是一場爭戰。
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Labels: Reflection, Thorns
